smartly pretty

synnesai: striderbutt: rainbowtasticsquid: douchetier: trophy...

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 10:36:50 -0500

[Flash 10 is required to watch video.]

striderbutt:

rainbowtasticsquid:

douchetier:

trophywifematerial:

OH MY GOD IM CRYING

it’s back

how did he even… ? i dont even know anymore

literally burst out laughing omfg

oh my god

Ugh. Guilty guilty guilty. notcuddles: almostbritish: YES. Oh...

Mon, 26 Dec 2011 12:15:07 -0500

Ugh. Guilty guilty guilty.

notcuddles:

almostbritish:

YES.

Oh look, I found my new career…

"I honestly begin every single day only with the intention of avoiding people."

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 20:42:46 -0500

“I honestly begin every single day only with the intention of avoiding people.” -...

"I live the gay lifestyle, the gay lifestyle that is often mentioned by some Republican candidates..."

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 15:25:38 -0500

“I live the gay lifestyle, the gay lifestyle that is often mentioned by some Republican...

Every single second of my life.

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 11:37:15 -0400

Every single second of my life.

Does anyone know what this thing on her head is or where I can...

Fri, 23 Sep 2011 11:37:59 -0400

Does anyone know what this thing on her head is or where I can get one?

Dear guy who just made my burrito: Have you ever been to...

Mon, 05 Sep 2011 14:02:13 -0400

Dear guy who just made my burrito:

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients from one end to the other, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM TO GET TO LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans cannot usually dislocate their jaws to accommodate such methods. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito and not a multi-stage rocket to the planet Fucking Disgustingupiter.

And guess what else, player? You can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer this nonsense. You and I already know this tortilla was made to maintain its physical integrity for thirty seconds once touched.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

Well this is just HORRIFICALLY SAD. npr: The dog of slain Petty...

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 15:47:57 -0400

Well this is just HORRIFICALLY SAD.

npr:

The dog of slain Petty Officer Jon Tumilson refused to leave his side during the Navy SEAL’s funeral earlier this week in Rockford, Iowa. The heartbreaking photo taken by his cousin, Lisa Pembleton, shows Tumilson’s dog Hawkeye lying by the casket. (via The Daily Treat: Animal Planet)

"Americans for Prosperity has even sent out these actual helpful absentee ballot applications to..."

Fri, 05 Aug 2011 12:20:59 -0400

““Americans for Prosperity has even sent out these actual helpful absentee ballot applications...

The only fudge recipe you need..

Thu, 04 Aug 2011 08:45:05 -0400

The only fudge recipe you need..: Even when you fuck it up, it’s irresistible…

"While I hope Weiner comes clean, I hope comes out swinging: He didn’t do anything wrong, he..."

Tue, 07 Jun 2011 13:13:53 -0400

“While I hope Weiner comes clean, I hope comes out swinging: He didn’t do anything...

Photo

Sat, 04 Jun 2011 13:10:24 -0400

[Inception joke] (via Cadbury Egg Inside Chocolate Cupcake...

Mon, 18 Apr 2011 14:40:09 -0400

[Inception joke] (via Cadbury Egg Inside Chocolate Cupcake @Craftzine.com blog)

Adversity will not diminish my love for gorgeous sweet things....

Wed, 13 Apr 2011 09:03:10 -0400

Adversity will not diminish my love for gorgeous sweet things. (via Ice cream cone cupcakes in Cupcakes and muffins recipes, step by step instructi)

This is the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen in my life....

Tue, 12 Apr 2011 11:40:03 -0400

This is the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen in my life. (Wacky Easter Rainbow Cupcakes in a jar)

sirmitchell: From Alex Pardee’s twitter: “The nuclear plant...

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 13:49:49 -0400

sirmitchell:

From Alex Pardee’s twitter: “The nuclear plant workers risking their lives are fucking HEROES. I drew this 4 them. Print release tomorrow. 4Charity:”

badass!

Automatic vs Stick vs Motorcycle

Sun, 03 Apr 2011 13:53:39 -0400

sofapizza:

"Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat..."

Wed, 23 Mar 2011 10:52:46 -0400

“Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited...

"Every time I read something about how there’s been another ridiculous climb of the Dow Jones,..."

Fri, 11 Mar 2011 15:29:57 -0500

“Every time I read something about how there’s been another ridiculous climb of the Dow...

sofapizza: last post for politics thursday. jon stewart...

Fri, 04 Mar 2011 10:00:44 -0500

sofapizza:

last post for politics thursday. jon stewart brilliantly calling out the hypocrisy of fox news pundits & republicans claiming that teachers have incredibly generous salaries and benefits that should be cut, while at the same time decrying the elimination of the Bush tax cuts for those making $250K a year because $250K a year “is not rich”.